26.6.06
I have always loathed goodbyes. They are one of those uncontrollably recurring episodes in one's life that for some reason inflict as much or more pain as you had the first time. It's just so upsetting that I tend to shun it. But as much as I try to, I am still being reminded of many of them lately. Goodbyes that either I or the people around me are obliged to deal with. And as I get totally exposed to the sentiment, I realize that it's not really the ache that I loathe, it's more of the guilt.
Everything seemed so perfect. Everything seemed to be in place. I have my dreams, he has his, but we are together in both. We plan our future together. We even have this "pinkie promise". We love each other more each passing day and we always have fun like we never had. Everything's coming our way until I had to go. I was the one who said goodbye...
It was the most terrible feeling I had to undergo. The scenario was heart-breaking. I could still remember how scared I was coz his eyes mirrored profound sadness I had never seen before. It's like every bit of our dreams was shattered with every tear that he shed. I felt so helpless coz every word and every promise that came out my mouth just hurt him even more. He was silent. But that stillness told me things I know he just couldn't say. I could almost hear him ask me to take back everything I said. If only I could...
Now, all I have left are memories of his last hug, his last touch, his last look, his last kiss. When I close my eyes, I see his face, I smell his perfume, I feel the warmth of his hand, and I hear his voice. But the saddest feeling is the realization that he's never really there. That everything I have is just plain memory.
Things aren't any better, it'll never be. God knows how much I miss him. I know he misses me too, but the truth is, his I-miss-you's scare me. I'm terrified by the thought that one day, he'll get tired of missing me not guaranteed when we'll be together again. But I hope he knows that if there's one thing that lessens the guilt I have inside, it's the fact that I plan to come back...I just hope that I'll never be too late...that he'll stick to the one and only promise he has made when I said goodbye...he promised me he'll wait.
off-topic: I was moved to a different desk. And now I'm using this really annoying distorted-looking keyboard. It is split and gently sloped in shape, which I think they refer to as having "stylish ergonomic design" bullshit. This is making my life more miserable. Keyboards aren't really my thing. Talk about poor hand-eye coordination. Hahaha!! I'm now typing slower than ever. Hmpf!
Everything seemed so perfect. Everything seemed to be in place. I have my dreams, he has his, but we are together in both. We plan our future together. We even have this "pinkie promise". We love each other more each passing day and we always have fun like we never had. Everything's coming our way until I had to go. I was the one who said goodbye...
It was the most terrible feeling I had to undergo. The scenario was heart-breaking. I could still remember how scared I was coz his eyes mirrored profound sadness I had never seen before. It's like every bit of our dreams was shattered with every tear that he shed. I felt so helpless coz every word and every promise that came out my mouth just hurt him even more. He was silent. But that stillness told me things I know he just couldn't say. I could almost hear him ask me to take back everything I said. If only I could...
Now, all I have left are memories of his last hug, his last touch, his last look, his last kiss. When I close my eyes, I see his face, I smell his perfume, I feel the warmth of his hand, and I hear his voice. But the saddest feeling is the realization that he's never really there. That everything I have is just plain memory.
Things aren't any better, it'll never be. God knows how much I miss him. I know he misses me too, but the truth is, his I-miss-you's scare me. I'm terrified by the thought that one day, he'll get tired of missing me not guaranteed when we'll be together again. But I hope he knows that if there's one thing that lessens the guilt I have inside, it's the fact that I plan to come back...I just hope that I'll never be too late...that he'll stick to the one and only promise he has made when I said goodbye...he promised me he'll wait.
off-topic: I was moved to a different desk. And now I'm using this really annoying distorted-looking keyboard. It is split and gently sloped in shape, which I think they refer to as having "stylish ergonomic design" bullshit. This is making my life more miserable. Keyboards aren't really my thing. Talk about poor hand-eye coordination. Hahaha!! I'm now typing slower than ever. Hmpf!
// posted by jaena*** @ 09:34 
