6.7.06
On Emigrating...
Emigrating gave my life a big kick. I felt like it took an abrupt turnoff. So when I got here in NZ, I immediately grabbed a new journal. I figured out that I should start a new chapter since my life is setting off from scratch again. 9 months later, I found myself browsing through its accumulating pages. Then I asked myself, "What has changed?"
I couldn't resist smiling as I went back to my old entries. They remind me of how devastated I was for letting go the life I have loved to live. I remember writing most of them in tears. I would go and lock myself in our room, curl up in our awfully cold bed, hide underneath our warm blanket, and start writing in faint darkness while tears trickle down my cheeks. God, it was pathetic. But I guess, the whole emigrating thing really knocked me off.
Now it's different. Communicating has been a big hurdle, but not that much anymore. I'm already not that hesitant to express what I have in mind. I'm learning to open up doors for new friendships. And most of all, I'm starting to get a better perspective in life. Suddenly, my dreams are more reachable, even the dream to come back home.
The adjustment phase was never easy. It's self-constricting. But over time, I have witnessed the natural phenomenon of adaptation take place. I have managed to move on, realizing that holding back makes no sense at all since the life I have left behind has already moved on. There's just no point getting stuck in frustration.
I still miss my old life, I still cry at night when I think about what I'm missing, I still ask why I even have to leave, I still wonder about a lot of what if's. But I'm not that vulnerable now. I know things have its positive side. Emigrating is an opportunity, at least for me. I left and now I'm missing half of my life. But I'm sure someday, soon, when I'm already bound to come home, I'll be able to share a better me. Then I and the people I once left behind will flip through the pages of our journals, rekindle the friendship and love we so have missed, then we'll spend all our lives catching up...
Emigrating gave my life a big kick. I felt like it took an abrupt turnoff. So when I got here in NZ, I immediately grabbed a new journal. I figured out that I should start a new chapter since my life is setting off from scratch again. 9 months later, I found myself browsing through its accumulating pages. Then I asked myself, "What has changed?"
I couldn't resist smiling as I went back to my old entries. They remind me of how devastated I was for letting go the life I have loved to live. I remember writing most of them in tears. I would go and lock myself in our room, curl up in our awfully cold bed, hide underneath our warm blanket, and start writing in faint darkness while tears trickle down my cheeks. God, it was pathetic. But I guess, the whole emigrating thing really knocked me off.
Now it's different. Communicating has been a big hurdle, but not that much anymore. I'm already not that hesitant to express what I have in mind. I'm learning to open up doors for new friendships. And most of all, I'm starting to get a better perspective in life. Suddenly, my dreams are more reachable, even the dream to come back home.
The adjustment phase was never easy. It's self-constricting. But over time, I have witnessed the natural phenomenon of adaptation take place. I have managed to move on, realizing that holding back makes no sense at all since the life I have left behind has already moved on. There's just no point getting stuck in frustration.
I still miss my old life, I still cry at night when I think about what I'm missing, I still ask why I even have to leave, I still wonder about a lot of what if's. But I'm not that vulnerable now. I know things have its positive side. Emigrating is an opportunity, at least for me. I left and now I'm missing half of my life. But I'm sure someday, soon, when I'm already bound to come home, I'll be able to share a better me. Then I and the people I once left behind will flip through the pages of our journals, rekindle the friendship and love we so have missed, then we'll spend all our lives catching up...
// posted by jaena*** @ 11:18 
