19.3.08
When people ask me to clasp my hands together, they would instantaneously conclude that I’m heart over mind. Maybe it’s true.
I’d say I do have a strong mind. It has sufficient control over everything in me. It is reactive. It understands me and whatever it is that’s happening to me. Yet still, I can’t help but feel that my emotions can be a tiny bit more powerful.
It has this pressure on me that distresses even my strong mind.
On jealousy for example. I often get jealous, but my mind chooses not to say it. And so I don’t say it, but somehow my emotions fight back causing me to show uneasiness or strange silence. Or when I’m getting very excited on something. I always tell myself not to think about it too much because I know how frustrating it is when things don’t go as I hoped for, but still deep inside I can’t help but feel keyed up and thrilled that in the end, when things do fail, I’m still as frustrated as I thought I would be or maybe worse, cause i knew I was going to be frustrated. Or when pissed off. I can say I’m not but my body language will still show that I am no matter how hard I convince myself I shouldn’t be, that’s I should just get over it because it’s not supposed to be that big a deal. Sigh. Frustrating.
How I wish I can turn my emotions on and off like a faucet. Life would have been a lot easier. I’ll be less vulnerable and less complicated. It’ll be safer.
Or maybe not. Maybe it’s ok. My mind tells me it’s ok. It’s just this emotion kicking in again.
