1.5.08
diaries and stuff
Senti mode ako kahapon and so I unconsciously found myself reading through my old diary. I was amazed by how much I’ve written in there. There were lots of stuff in there that I can’t even remember anymore. Some are painful and some are nice. And I realised na ang arte ko pala. I imagine writing most of them in tears cause the way I wrote them was way too maarte, as if I’m the loneliest person in the world.
I've learned a lot about myself by just browsing through those pages. I have a terrible handwriting that’s for sure and it was worse when I wrote sad or mad entries. And I must have also loved pencils before. And scratch papers and torn pages from notebooks and post-its cause I have an awful lot of them. And my style of writing – anyone can right away say that it has improved tremendously from then and now.
Anyway, as I read through them, I realised how much I’ve changed. It’s fascinating to see your life suddenly playing before you like a movie as if you’re not part of it. you get to have a look at it in a third person point-of-view, hence giving you a more impartial look on how good and bad and pathetic and wonderful you were.
Looking back, I can’t help but laugh at myself. Ang arte ko grabe. And I also realised that I’m indeed quite a secretive person. I like keeping things to myself and my diary for that matter. Then I envision 30 years from now, some secrets of the past will come to life and cause fuss like that in Mara Clara and the story of the lost diary.
Another evident fact in my diary is how much I have loved karol. I was pathetic. He’ll surely laugh if he reads it. I thought I seriously unearthed the cheesiest slices of my thoughts. The entries on the post-its and scratch papers and torn pages from notebooks were actually all about him, which means that I had thought of him and had written about him an awful lot, perhaps while I was in a boring class or in a long jeepney ride. tsk.
Which reminds me! tomorrow, karol and I will celebrate our 4 yrs together. Wow. That’s a long time. Although, technically, we’ve only been together-together for a little over 2 years due to the dreading long-distance relationship set up we’ve obviously survived. But anyway, I see a lot more years for us. Enough said.
Lalala.
2 weeks to go. woot!
10.4.08
I can almost guarantee that I’ll be sick sometime before this month ends.
There’s a truckload of work. We have 4 publications coming out in June-July which I’m largely responsible for. And since my boss is nice enough to let me take some time off during this period, I have to return the favour by working double time to make sure they all get published on time even without me. It’s actually quite flattering to know that they do need me, but man, the actual bulk of work is way out of hand!
For one, I’m missing some gas again. And besides that, I’m also missing thousand tonnes of coal. Where the hell are they? I can’t believe that I’m having the same problem again. Supply and demand is one hell of a headache. They never match. And worse, demand appears to be higher than the supply. How could that possibly happen? Sigh. This is driving me insane. Why am I looking for something that already evaporated? Argh.
2.4.08
I’m sooo psyched about going
Can’t wait to catch up with the people I’ve missed so much, and do new things with them, and get wet, and get drunk, and shop and be broke, but ultimately have one hell of a good time. weeee.
On the top of my list:
- I definitely need to see borocay.
- Kumain ng mangga hanggang magpururot.
- Calamansi. I sooo missed calamansi.
- I need to try a night-out in
- Seafood feast. (Naglalaway na ko.)
- Shop for clothes and stuff
- Buy tagalong movies, pc games for karol and pc softwares.
1 downside though – good luck to my kulay. Sigh.
19.3.08
When people ask me to clasp my hands together, they would instantaneously conclude that I’m heart over mind. Maybe it’s true.
I’d say I do have a strong mind. It has sufficient control over everything in me. It is reactive. It understands me and whatever it is that’s happening to me. Yet still, I can’t help but feel that my emotions can be a tiny bit more powerful.
It has this pressure on me that distresses even my strong mind.
On jealousy for example. I often get jealous, but my mind chooses not to say it. And so I don’t say it, but somehow my emotions fight back causing me to show uneasiness or strange silence. Or when I’m getting very excited on something. I always tell myself not to think about it too much because I know how frustrating it is when things don’t go as I hoped for, but still deep inside I can’t help but feel keyed up and thrilled that in the end, when things do fail, I’m still as frustrated as I thought I would be or maybe worse, cause i knew I was going to be frustrated. Or when pissed off. I can say I’m not but my body language will still show that I am no matter how hard I convince myself I shouldn’t be, that’s I should just get over it because it’s not supposed to be that big a deal. Sigh. Frustrating.
How I wish I can turn my emotions on and off like a faucet. Life would have been a lot easier. I’ll be less vulnerable and less complicated. It’ll be safer.
Or maybe not. Maybe it’s ok. My mind tells me it’s ok. It’s just this emotion kicking in again.
11.3.08
Or is it the number of editors? Before a material reaches a reasonably good state to go public, how many should actually have a look at it? Who gets the last say? I never thought that a statement as simple as “the ball is on the table” can take ages to hit the printer. Passing it on and on from one hand to another can transform it to something completely different from what you originally had in mind. Dealing with conflicting views from so called experts can be traumatic. Especially that they often just refer to the same thing, but they say them differently, reflecting their differences in culture, expertise and personal preferences.
I’ve come to realise that good writing, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has his own opinion on what reads better. The disparity lies on who gets the authority to impose his opinion and how far that authority sits from the end of the writing and editing chain.
25.2.08
Karol was here again yesterday as he was called to play for this basketball fund-raising match. They didn’t win but I’d say he played really well. His height remains to be his biggest strength. He’s powerful, agile and intimidating in a strategic kind of way. But I must admit he’s a lot more restrained now. He has become a lot less aggressive and sort of lost this I-own-this-ball attitude I used to see in him before (especially in rebounds) – effect of lack of practice and physical exhaustion. Nevertheless, I am still very proud of him. I love the feeling when people acknowledge how great he is in court. Yesterday, I was the typical stage girlfriend – I drove him to the venue, sat on the most accessible seat for him coz I have all his stuff, cheered for him like crazy – and it felt great. I love being the no.1 fan.
After the game yesterday, karol and I went for a swim. I did some laps while he stayed at the spa bath the whole time. I can’t imagine how he could stand that heat for more than an hour. It was just suffocating. Anyhoo, I’ve been enjoying doing all these invigorating physical activities. Badminton and swimming every week, walking/jogging every weekend, crunches every night. Hope these will help me lose this damn belly fat karol is always ragging me about. (if only I can stop munching in parallel. Tsk.) Losing weight is a frustrating dream. hmpf. Baligtad na ata kami ni ate. She is getting skinnier and skinnier while I’m getting bigger and bigger. Sigh. I blame it all to our pantry and fridge which I’ve never seen empty.
Buzz.
13.2.08
I'm very excited. I am so looking forward to see everybody. I really missed Pinas so I intend to make the most out of my stay there. The idea really perks me up, although I don't want to get too carried away coz I know that there's a chance that I'll get extremely frustrated in the end.
Still have 3 months to try and lose weight. =p
